APRIL FOOLS’ PRANKS

Try these on your friends— or, better yet, on your enemies. Consider it an experiment in human responses.

Top Ten April Fools’ Pranks for Nerds

ONE JOKE

I thought this was funny:

A man walks into a bar, orders three glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.”

The man replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I’m here in London. When they left home, we promised that we’ll drink this way to remember the days when we drunk together.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: he orders three beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two beers. All the other regulars notice this and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,”I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.”

The man looks confused for a moment, then he laughs …. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine – both my brothers are alive…”

“… you see, I’ve quit drinking…”

 

NERI’S COMPLICATED QUESTIONS

Step back. Gain a better perspective. Let it sink in. See if you do not see what I see: the utter imbecility of it all that the best legal minds of this country are today expending their energies on pondering about whether this man named Romulo Neri should answer before the Senate investigation panel these three questions or not:

1. did the President follow up on the NBN deal? 2. was he asked to prioritize the project? 3. did Ms Arroyo give the go-ahead to him to approve the deal in spite of the alleged bribery?

Rate the degree of difficulty and cry.

I suppose now that you too could measure the advancement of a nation in the same manner you would a child by the questions it seeks to answer. A child of one points to the bright orb in the night sky, asks you what it is— he is normal. That’s the moon, you say. A boy of sixteen does the same— he is a retard. That’s the sun, you say, you join him. By analogy, as a nation, we compare to the latter. We struggle to find answer to a question so easy and uncomplicated, even quarrel about it,— we are a retarded nation, indeed.

But just what question is it Mr. Neri wants answered that it should need the geniuses of the entire legal profession to dissect? We are making it look like these questions are in the level of Einstein’s relativity theory. Were we to find topnotch physicists converging in one gathering to tackle a like theory, we’d be awed for the grandeur of the mission. For the brightest of lawyers to do the same on a question such as Neri’s, you’d be awed too—for the insanity of it all.

Mr. Neri, you know the answers. You know it more than anybody else. For one man like you to drag the entire justice system— this is totally unconscionable. It is not answers you seek but a shield, you, wimp!

You should be skinned alive.

THREE QUESTIONS

Three questions Mr. Romulo Neri would not want asked of him by the Senate in the ongoing NBN-ZTE scandal Senate inquiry:

1. did the President follow up on the NBN deal? 2. was Neri asked to prioritize the project? 3. did Ms Arroyo give the go-ahead to Neri to approve the deal in spite of the alleged bribery?

His reason— hold your breath— it might impair the diplomatic relations with China!

One more time, just to be sure we got it right— it might impair the diplomatic relations with China.

While the rest of us were looking to connect the unconnected, and sense in the senseless, what do you know, the Supreme Court upholds Mr. Neri!

Ok, I do not know about the genetic make up of the Chinese race, what provokes in them anger or glee and other emotions in the whole wide spectrum. But by tacit implication, Mr. Neri’s is an indirect discourtesy: a simple yes or no in answer to above questions could provoke China into a diplomatic war with the Philippines?! Absurd had not seen better fit than this. What I know of determinism, if we are to find connections in Mr. Neri’s causes and effects, it would be on the level of paranormal or sorcery. Else, Mr. Neri is insulting a government and a race. And impairing rules of logic.

The problem with intellectualizing an idiocy is it transforms the whole thing into comedy — we would be laughing so hard if not that it slurs the senses in more ways than one.

Stupid bastard, this Mr. Romulo Neri, he thinks his fellow Filipinos idiots— and the Chinese too. Then gets nine SC justices to think the same way.  This is highbrowed cretinism; it’s communicable.

ROMULO NERI, THE ECONOMIST

This is a lesson in the economics of saving souls— maximum benefits at the least cost— courtesy of an economist named Romulo Neri.

Two souls are at stake, his and his President’s.  He tells the truth, he damns his boss.  He tells a lie, he damns his own.  He can’t be too selfish taking care only of himself.  His boss is such a nice woman.

How do you solve this dilemma, economist-style?

Well, throw the problem to an institution.  An institution has no problem about souls.  The Supreme Court is an institution; it has no soul… I mean, like that supposedly humans have.  Perfect shield.  He answers no question, he tells no lie, he tells no truth.  Two souls saved— at no cost.

Neat?

The evil bastard!

SC UPHOLDS NERI

It’s 9 vs 6: SC rules in favor of Neri’s plea vs ZTE probe

As far as I could grasp of the implications of the ruling of the High Court— on the question can one use executive privilege to hide a crime— the answer is, from hereon, yes.

It confirms too Alan Paguia’s thesis that Malacañang is in cahoots with the SC.

The castration of the Senate is complete and ohh! they feel the pain. (But one senator named Joker a.k.a Mr. Graftbuster is rejoicing! <where’s the f****cking link?!>).

HODGEPODGE

Surprised to know Gate’s no longer the richest man on this planet; Warren Buffet is. But that is because Bill Gates made a bid for Yahoo.

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I discovered NASA’s Astronomy Picture of the Day (APOD) through this blog. I lingered for hours staring at detailed pictures of Mars and the Moon, the Milky Way… Reminds you that beyond Earth, there’s a whole infinitesimally wider space out there.

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See how our new gadgets would have appeared in ads had they been in the market in the 50s and 60s.

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Baffling over one of the most bewildering mysteries yet: Crop Circles. Governments spend billions for probe missions to the moon and beyond to learn more about the mysteries of the universe, but not on these right under their nose.

GIVE AWAY MONEY, BE HAPPY

I’ve always suspected this: man is happier by having a more giving nature. Now, as there must be a receiver for every act of giving, would there be a shortage of help in completing this beautiful symbiotic partnership?

Key to Happiness: Give Away Money

Count me in.

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

Bored to death, he must have been. Old age could be so damn dreary and tiring.

With very long hours at his disposal, and plans from the Internet, he built himself a robot— to kill time.

It’s not just any robot. An intelligent robot.

One day, the news came: man kills self with robot.

YOU TUBE’S BEST

First thing I did today is watch the winners of the You Tube’s Video Awards 2007.

The baby in laughing trip is really adorable.

BUYING IN A WORLD OF PLENTY

Some years ago when I bought my second cell phone, it was in such a big hurry. My old bulky Ericsson was going bonkers all of a sudden. I was to coordinate quite a huge event with people from the Big City the very next day, I must have a new one real quick. There was not many to choose from on display so I just inquired about the latest model and was pointed to a rather unattractive unit, a Nokia 2100. I wanted a sleek one, not this, preferably black or silver gray. But this was 2003 in this rather remote city, in a time of great necessity. Forget the looks, I advised myself, just go for the latest. The sales lady was not recommending it, advising I take the older and cheaper model— which almost everyone else owned; hah, I wanted top of the line. I was to know hours later why she wasn’t pitching for it, and more the next days.

But what do you know, five years since, I still own it. Well, it has to do with my nature: loyalty to a fault to things and persons. Plus I am not a gadget kind of guy. Connectivity via sound and text was all I needed. In this part of the world, you don’t really need more.

Presently I want a camera. Photography was once a hobby. But the one I want, it is still a few thousand more expensive than that I want to spare for a leisure pursuit that brings no penny. I could wait awhile; the price is gonna go down in months. Meanwhile, I could do some shooting with a phone camera. So when I could, for the last five weeks now, I was window-shopping on the four available stores hereabouts. One store has quite an inventory. I was amazed: such a profusion of eye-catching models under so many brand names? This wasn’t the definition of plenty five years ago as far as cellphones were concerned. Hours I would next spend on the Internet looking for advice about the best buy, surprising me instead with new levels of tentativeness I never knew I could reach, that gets even worse as I go. You lock in on one and you read a review recommending another. Then another dumps it. So the field expands instead of narrows down, expands then narrows down, and so on and so forth. This is madness.

As I make this post, I haven’t bought one yet. Have narrowed my choices down to ten Motorola and Sony-Ericsson but I think it will take time still to find what I want with the budget I have earmarked for the thing. I now realize that this is one instance when you would rather be choosing from among a fewer selections. I could have bought one weeks ago as fast as I did in 2003.

An advice I have read somewhere say if you are waiting for the best, you won’t have it. Everyday, something better– and cheaper– is coming out of the woodwork. Your best choice now would be inferior in no time.

Meantime, as I stare at my old phone, the damn thing seems to glow with glee. Yesterday, I bought it a new skin.

The Apple And An Evil Snake Named Steve Jobs

This is about Steve Jobs, period. The apple is only incidental.

How Apple Got Everything Right…

Forces of Change

Ten technologies that would transform the way we live in very unexpected ways in the future:

hydrogen power
therapeutic cloning
Moore’s Law: computing power doubling every other year
desktop 3D printing
location-based computing
solar energy
mobile robots
internet connectivity everywhere 24/7
genetics
digital libraries

Link here to Livescience.com

Signs of a Free Fall?

The New York Times:

Shares Slide on Fed Move and Bear Deal

Financial Times:

Bear rescue spooks markets

The Economist:

Stripped Bear

Rescuing a Wall Street bank

Man and Machine

Machines will equal human-level artificial intelligence in twenty years. Man and machine will merge.

We’re sure without doubt this day will come but not so how soon.

Philippines: A Society With HIV?

The following is an exchange of two commenters in a thread at MLQ3:

DJB of Philippine Commentary says:

Evil people in government are like viruses and bacteria in Nature. They are inevitable. But because of that, the best strategy for long term health is to strengthen the body’s immune system.Trying to foment another Edsa Dos without a Military bribed into Mutiny with promises of unending Cabinet appointments, and a Chief Justice ready to abort impeachment trials because the accused is about to be acquitted…that’s what I call psychic dentistry. It’s not only futile, because you can’t force a rotten tooth into jumping out on its own, and it’s unprincipled and immoral because it violates the Constitution and the common sense.

People ought to work instead for Gloria’s impeachment. But if she does have a trial, I must insist that the entire Supreme Court be held under armed guard in Tanay, where they can play dress up like Hilario Davide without causing disturbances in the Real People Power: the social contract called the Constitution.

Ramrod, a sometimes-productive responder replies:

Funny how you should mention virus. If you put it that way, this  (is) how a med rep would see it:
Corruption is likened to HIV virus, the virus deceives the immune cells which in turn cannot distinguish them as foreign, disabling any phagocytotic action on their part. These corrupt cells then enter the immune cells, in this case our institutions (judicial, military, executive, church, etc.) then multiply, in time, these infected cells burst and out come new HIV virus cells. The long term gestation period allows the infected immune cells to traverse the body thereby getting tactical and strategic positioning for infecting other immune cells, the immune system, the institutions themselves will be used to aggravate and spread infection, or in this case, corruption through the whole system. In time, the infected cells outnumber the genuine cells, eventually overwhelming them. By this time, the body’s immune system is down, or all our institutions are broken from the inside…and the real troubles begin – secondary infection, because by then the body will die of pneumonia that starts off as a simple cold…

Analogies are useful tools.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson would often point out, the laws of the universe are few: they repeat themselves in different manners; they appear and reappear in as many manifestations in all dimensions.  Disease or health  in social dimension you can find as well in biological, or moral aspects.  You get a good understanding how a disease spreads in a body, you gain too better appreciation how society gets sick.  You need only properly identify equivalence in elements and you gain access to the highest tower where you could look around in the broadest sweep, not unlike a doctor who, peering through his instruments, gets a better diagnosis of what exactly is keeping the patient sluggish and sickly.

Why worry about a leader caught lying, cheating, and stealing if not that contagion is as much a biological phenomenon as it is social or moral, for example?

The immune system is founded on a society’s moral and social values.  Institutions are the moral expression of these only as they reflect them.  When institutions misrepresent these values in lieu of others, we have a very very troubled system, indeed,– a society with HIV.

GMA 7’s Ad Fest

GMA TV’s so-called live coverage of Pacquiao-Marquez boxing bout dubbed “Unfinished Business” was reconstituted late into the day into A Festival of Advertisements featuring as side show the replay of the rematch.

If you know the result in advance, interesting things you can do besides watching and pontificating about the game, in between cursing the network, of course. In my case, I turned researcher. Longest ads time in between rounds is 8 minutes and 30. Shortest is 5 and 30. Average would be about 6 and 30.

Each round is 3 minutes. The game lasted all of 12 rounds. Not counting the singing of three national anthems which came in three installments.

Loving Savagery

I do not like watching boxing so much, or wrestling for that matter. I find it savage. But I am making an exception with the Marquez-Pacquiao bout, as with all Pacquiao fights. It’s another thing when class A gladiators go up the ring, you’d get to love the naked furiousness of it all especially when your favorite is drawing blood on his opponent. Strange that you would indeed get excited someone is beating into a pulp another human being amid a cheering throng. It’s hard to beat the slowmo imagery of a gloved fist crashing on a jaw with such ferocious velocity you could hear the crisp cracking of a bone as flesh meets rubber, a mix of human liquids colored in various shades of red spewing out in various directions.

I believe I read it somewhere that savageness is indeed closer to our nature. After all, we were savage creatures before we learned to be more gentle. The early human beings were chopping each other’s body parts for early morning stew, remember ? hahaha… this is going too far.

Anyway, I am betting on Pacquiao.

UPDATE: Pacquiao wins! Time to collect.

Alan Paguia: SC, Malacañang in Alliance

Alan Paguia is concise and crisp: Supreme Court in Cahoots with the Malacañang Gang. I think so too, but I have no– how do they call it now?– proof beyond reasonable doubt. You could hear ‘em saying, “pure speculation” even now, of course.

He has a new website, or is it new?, with pictures of gorgeous girls: http://www.tagapagtanggol.com

Selling Lies

When Abalos and Pañelo were daring organizers for speaking invitations similar to that they were extending Lozada, for indeed, Abalos must have an equal opportunity to refute Lozada’s allegations in the name of fairness, I was wondering why no one was considering the proposal. Aside from it being unsporting, that would have been an opportunity to grill the suspect in the NBN-ZTE scandal. Imagine the duo in front of students at any of the universities… oh well, maybe the organizers were just being kind after all. As for the lawyer Pañelo, it could have been a rude awakening for himself as the audience was not too sympathetic in Zamboanga in the early leg of his roadshow: Radio Station Callers Grill Abalos Lawyer.

It ain’t easy selling lies.

What’s In A Name?

That’s the title of an entry I wrote about Joker. I wrote then: what could have inspired a parent to name a child Joker? The movie Batman or a memorable experience with the card joker?

In any case, somebody took the issue seriously and went into research about what bad or weird names do a child growing up–and got surprising results.

But what kind of parent would give his/her child these names: Please Cope, Ima Hooker, Candy Stohr, Mary Christmas, Rasp Berry, River Jordan, Ogre, Gorgon, Lucifer?

A Boy Named Sue and a Theory of Names

By the way, do you know that Jejomar Binay got his name from the Holy Family? It is said that when his mother saw him upon birth, she saw a lump of flesh so dark and so tiny, she let out a scream in horror “susmaryosep”. And so he got the name.

A Muscular Brain, Anyone?

I remember faces easily but not names. Even words sometimes, they abandon me in the middle.

Signs.

I suspect, as in a computer’s RAM, when so much clutter is being processed, it bogs down.

For later perusal: Top 10 steps to a smarter brain.

Buy My Music, Please

Radiohead started the experiment then followed by Nine Inch Nails. Diving sales of music albums due to unchecked piracy and marketing models that apparently no longer work was the mother that gave birth to many an experimentation with various media. Many were failed births. If we go by their success, maybe here’s a new formula for selling music, as Nine Inch Nails new album generates a whooping $1.6M in its first week, which could radicalize in a big way the direction of the music industry.

The Many Facets of Truth: Liars as Philosophers

There are matters which by their constitution and makeup are mysterious and beyond easy grasp of human understanding. The origin of the universe, for instance, or the nature of consciousness, or time and space, life and death, love, powers of the mind. Indeed these issues and the like encompass a whole gamut of human knowledge and wisdom, if even we could safely presume them sufficient. No easy answers could be had as far as these are concerned for with all the advances in human knowledge to this day no one could yet fathom these concepts fully, let alone claim a franchise to the most acceptable explanation. For the most part, they remain mysteries, and life is perhaps made more exciting by their being so.

On the other hand, there are simple questions in the world requiring simple answers: what’s your name? where were you this time of the day? do you know Mr. James Bond? how tall is the Empire State Building? what color do you see if you look at the sky? Such are straightforward questions no profound reckoning is ever demanded, just straightforward answers. The world is likewise made of elements which are by nature manifest and self-evident, simple as they are, they are not meant to be the object of any philosopher’s questioning and deep discernment. Your hair is long and black, is a straightforward fact. Your mother is a woman, is another. You are x years old. Earth is round. At night, it is dark. You fall down if you jump out of the window. These are easy, uncomplicated facts.

What do you know, of late, the NBN-ZTE and Hello Garci scandals, if we go by some pronouncements, have entered the realm of philosophical reckoning. You are one of those pushing to know the truth about these scandals? Listen how some spokesmen and supporters of the Palace have developed rhetorical questions of so much profundity: what is truth? can there be only one version of truth? could anybody have a monopoly of truth? who could know all the facets of truth?

Doesn’t it sound like we’ve just walked in on some great philosophical quest into one of the deepest mysteries of life?

How such a scandal could evolve into a metaphysical puzzle of sort, quite like a mystery of cosmic proportion is astounding, but let’s see… What I remember from recent memory was that these scandals started off as any scandal would– explosive and shattering! In the Hello Garci scandal, there was a recording of a wiretapped conversation allegedly of a President and a known election manipulator about a million votes. In the NBN-ZTE, there was a Cabinet secretary half-spilling the beans on an alleged humongous bribe on an allegedly overpriced multi-billion dollar IT project. As expected, these provoked a people who naturally would want the rest of the story exposed beyond the “alleged” level. But each scandals were followed by acts and pronouncements unlikely emanating from one who would be curious of truth and its many facets. In normal reading of everyday social affairs, as far as we know of reactions and causes that impel them, stonewalling does not go quite in harmony with transparency, the byword in so-called good governance– which every government by the way owes its sovereign. You stonewall and prevaricate, you must be be hiding something. If not hiding something, how must we fix logic to make EO 464 and like official edicts fit in in our normal understanding of human tendencies? These are serious efforts to know all the facets of truth that the whistle blowers omit for their purpose? Truth seekers do not gag or threaten or kidnap witnesses then argue that truth could be as evasive as any secret of the universe.

Something is wrong somewhere and we know it because it smells; we gather our hints from mysterious turns of events such as when a spokesman turn to philosophy to explain scandals and the affairs of the state. It should be hilarious if not that it also assumes the audience has the IQ of Mr. Bean.